If you are like a lot of people, you want to know “What is
the one thing people most want in a lover?” So I will answer, based on the many hours I
have spent as a sex therapist talking to people about their wishes and desires,
and it may surprise you.
The most common thing I hear people wanting from a sex
partner, of any gender variation, age, commitment history…, is for their
partner to be enthusiastic and to want to be having sex with them. That’s
right, enthusiasm, happy willingness, passion. Seems simple enough. We want to
feel wanted. We want to share something with someone who is enjoying themselves.
I hear many sexual details and accoutrements that people want as well, more
anal, less anal, a spanking now and then, to keep the heels on …lots of
variations of things that would be nice to try. But the foundational piece for
most people is to feel that their partner is into it, into them, and happy to
spend time being sexual together.
Sadly, there are lots of ways our individual enthusiasm for
sex can wane. Dissatisfactions, arguments, frustrations, new body pains,
exhaustion, shame, self doubt, and on and on. And lack of enthusiasm will kill
passion in a relationship fast than anything else (unless you are with a bully and
that is no good). These externals can decrease enthusiasm, sure. But truly,
passion is an internal job.
You can find your passionate person inside at any point in
life. It involves listening to yourself, feeling your body sensations, giving
yourself time and space to relax and enjoy many aspects of life without rushing
on to the next thing. It involves being curious and communicating your
curiosity, ideas, fantasies, and discoveries, just to see where they might take
you. It involves tending to what is inside of you, which is where you will find
lots of important information, not least of which being - what excites you. Oh,
and also important…clear out any old stuff telling you that you have to play it
cool, that passion is disgraceful, that you should be ashamed to want. Clear it
out! Make room to be passionate.
Then show it. This is key. Don t assume your partner knows you
like that. Appreciate them by giving them some solid clues. You don’t have to
perform porn style, just be genuinely enthusiastic. What might happen, is you
turn yourself on even more. Enthusiasm feeds itself. Imagine with each touch
and kiss and thrust, saying with your body (or your words, that’s fun too), “Yes”.
That’s how your blow your lover’s mind. And your own.