We are so conditioned to strive for sexiness in our culture, we rarely doubt its value. Being sexy is a good thing, no need to ask ourselves why. But I am inviting you to take a moment and ask yourself what being "sexy" means to you and what value you place on it. Use this just to explore your own mind or to question social expectations, just take the time to be curious.
Respond to these prompts:
Being "sexy" means a person is...
Being "not sexy" means a person is..
I believe a sexy person has these characteristics...
I imagine a sexy person's life is...
I am sexy when I...
Take a moment to sit down and let your day and the to-do list fall away. Let yourself be aware of your body, all parts of it, from your head down to your hard working feet. As you allow you attention to settle briefly on each part of your body, notice how you feel when you notice each part. Now take a moment to place your attention on your genitals. Without censoring too much or trying too hard, let 3 words come to mind to describe your genitals. Write these words down and look at them for a moment How do you feel about the words you chose? What do they say about your relationship to your genitals? to your sexual body in general? Are there judgments in the words you chose? Do you want to change them?
Take a few more minutes with the words you chose themselves. Do they have other meanings or associations for you? What else would you describe using those words? What do they remind you of? You may even want to take some time to draw images to go with those words.
Now shift you attention to your genitals again. Let that part of you body receive your full attention for a moment. I know this will seem wacky, but go with me here...Write a letter from your genitals to yourself. What would this incredible part of your body want to say to you? What would your genitals say about how you have taken care of them? What would they ask from you in taking care of them in the future? What do they want you to know about your self and your sexuality?
This can be a surprising and enlightening exercise, and it can bring up painful feelings and thoughts about our natural bodies. Remember that we can change, we can unfold new elements of our selves. Seek support if this feels overwhelming or daunting. It is never to late to have a different relationship with your body.
Think back to your first memory of seeing two people in love and expressing that love. This couple may have been your parents or grandparents, or maybe your next door neighbors or an older sibling and their date, or a friend's parents. Write down the story of what you remember from watching them. How did they show their affection? What did you witness? How did you feel about seeing this? Were there other people there - what did they do when seeing this affection? Was it approved of or not approved of? Were you witnessing a private moment or a public display of affection?
After writing the story of what you remember, ask yourself how this moment shaped your beliefs about love at that time. Did you decide something about how people express love? Was there judgement about what you saw? Did you want that for yourself? What were you feeling as you watched them?
Let yourself think forward to other interactions or stories about these two lovers you witnessed. How did their story unfold; do you know? Did their story cause you to develop beliefs about love? Did it impact how you feel about displaying affection now?
And now ask yourself, is there anything about this memory that you want to let go of now? Any childhood beliefs, formed from this memory, that you want to question now? How do you want to show love and affection? What, if anything, is holding you back?
This year for Valentine’s Day – whether you are currently coupled or not – take time to think about what you have learned about love and how you learned it. Use your journaling time to remember your exes. Yes, love lost is a part of the bigger picture of romance and has a lot to do with the love you have to offer now.
Your Valentine’s challenge (should you choose to accept it) is to write a letter to each of your significant exes – not to send, just to write for yourself. How you define a significant relationship is up to you. It could be the person you were married to for 8 years or the unrequited crush you had all through 8th grade. Who do you think has shaped your story of love? – the first people who come to mind are the ones you should write to.
Structure the letter around these 3 prompts:
Thanks you so much for the role you played in my life. Because of you I learned …
I wish that at the time I had been better at….and I am sorry that…
The things I loved about who I was when I was around you were…
Write as sincerely as you can. Remember you are not going to share this with the person, so no power struggles. This is for you, so that you can be the person you want to be in relationship, so that you can recapture some of your early romantic inspiration, so that you can be open to love that is available for you now. Love takes more than cards, jewelry and flowers; It takes awareness and personal growth. It is worth the effort. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Think for a bit about times in recent memory when you felt attractive or sexy. What were you doing? What was your body doing or feeling? Sometimes we imagine we will feel more attractive when we are dressed up, going out, being seen. But think for yourself, maybe you remember feeling vibrant and attractice when you are home alone dancing to music, sitting on your porch eating lunch in the sun, or at work giving a presentation. What are you wearing when you feel attractive? Who are you with? What people invite you to feel sexy and appealing? Why do you open up this part of yourself when you are with them? How do you see yourself through their eyes? Write about some of these times, recall the details, remind yourself what was going on for you in those moments. And then answer thsi question - what is it in those times that allows you to open to your own beauty or sex appeal or confidance?
As a New Year's resolution, you may decide to consciously create more times like that in your days and weeks. How can you build more space for yourself to feel attractive. It is not about waiting until you have lost weight or developed your pecs or erased your wrinkles. It is about knowing how to bring sexiness and attraction out in yourself and being your best, most confidant self now.
In this time of gratitude (and stuffing ourselves) it can be a good to remind ourselves of all that is going right with our bodies and how lucky we are. Take some time to write about the wonderful things you have experienced because of your body this past month. What sensations, what physical activities and adventures were you able to try, what flavors did you taste, what moments of joy were based in your bodily experience? In what ways has your body been strong for you? What lapses in self care has it managed to pull you through? What can you do to show your gratitude now?
Throb blush wet glow thigh heat pinch brush feather worship
Sting neck pulse sweat slippery whisper groan expand breath
Open release building tension grab contract fur please reveal depth
Gasp guide yes mask flow salty laughter taste want display explode
Randomly pick 4 words from this list, then create a poem using them. Perhaps the poem will be about desire, but maybe not. Just let the words guide and inspire you and see what you come up with.
Take a moment to think of someone in your life, either a real person you interact with or a TV or movie character, who you admire for their sexual energy and attitude. Picture them in your mind, moving through their life, engaging with thier partner or strangers. What is it you see in them? What do you like about the way they move through the world? Is there something about they way they use their body? Is it a quality of confidence? A certain attitude? Journal everything you notice about them, look deeply at what draws you to them or causes you to admire them.
Now imagine that that person is writing to you. Write a letter from them to you, that gives you advice about about how to move through the world with their attitude or confidence. What do you imagine they would say to you about the role of sexuality in their life? What strengths do you imagine they would see and admire in you? What would they encourage more of in you and your life?
Remember that this is all imagining. You are making up a story about this person. It is hard from the outside to know how a person feels about themselves or their sexuality. Sometimes the confidence we see on the outside can be deeply shaken from the inside. We just never know. But you can still utilize this person as a role model and allow them, as a character, to become a part of your internal support network. Let them inspire you to inspire yourself!
What is it that you love about summer? What physical sensations do you enjoy? Do you love the feeling of sun on your skin or the heat the first moment you sit in your car seat? Do you smile when you hear a rollercoaster ride or crashing waves? How about the taste of strawberries or fresh basil? Start making a list in your journal of these sensations. Try to remember a few each day and as you write, really explain how the sensations made you feel and how your body responds to them. Utilize all five senses in your list, sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch.
Bonus points : Take a look at your list and think of ways you can include some of these sensations into your sexual play. Be creative and let your sexuality be influenced and inspired by the season and the many pleasant sensations that already make up your day.