This is not a conversation that should only happen for girls...
It should be about
you – This should be treated as a special and vulnerable moment for you. There
needs to be attention paid to you, your feelings, nervousness, excitement. It
is important that your partner is able to hold that space for you. If it is the
first time for both of you, this is space you need to hold together, but
neither one of you is more important than the other. I talk to many men who
feel shame years later because they ejaculated quickly with their first
partner. Of course, you did! This is perfectly ok. Your first time is not for
performing to please someone else. It is overwhelming and your body will
respond accordingly. Give yourself the chance to be a virgin who is having a
Choose a partner you
can trust – Ideally your partner is someone you feel comfortable with, who
is honest with you and wants that from you in return, someone who respects you
and who feels like an equal. If you feel like a partner expects you to take
care of them without any awareness of the needs you may have, be careful. If
there is a power differential, be careful. If you feel like you have to play a
part that is not really you, be careful. It doesn’t have to be a forever
partner or a committed partner but it should be someone who is there for you
and who you can trust.
If you have to get
drunk to get the courage, WAIT. – First, sex is much better when you are
present. Second, being nervous is not a big deal; being so nervous you can’t
imagine doing something unless you are only semi-conscious is a sign to stop. I
promise you, you will not be cooler about things if you are drunk. It will not make
You are not less of a
man if you actually don’t want to right now. – The idea that men must want
sex indiscriminately at all times is very damaging. A healthy man will have
times when he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t like the other person that much, the
environment is stressful, he is enjoying doing other things, the 5 slices of
pizza he just ate are not sitting well. Whatever the reason, you have a right
to decide if this is the right opportunity for you or not.
There will be other
chances – No matter how nerdy or undesirable you feel at the time, it is
highly, highly unlikely that this will be the only chance you have to have sex
with another person.
The pleasure with a
partner is different than the pleasure with your hand – Masturbation feels
great because you know exactly what you want and you can immediately provide that.
How much friction, how fast or slow, what you are looking at or thinking about,
all can be matched to your desire in the moment. Partnered sex has different
pleasures than that, pleasures that in some ways are more subtle or diffuse.
With a partner, you might focus on their excitement, the slippery warmth of
your bodies together, the feel of hip bones pressing into you, the connection
you feel with them. The path to your orgasm may be more circuitous but there
are more diverse pleasures to enjoy. Let yourself be surprised.
There might be a
little pain – If you have an inexperienced female partner, it is helpful
for her to take some time to build to intercourse as her vagina is not used to
stretching to accommodate a penis. If you or your male partner have foreskin,
the more forceful friction of penetrative sex can sometimes cause a bit of
tearing at the base of the foreskin. In either case, you should only feel a
little brief pain, not a lot. If either of you are feeling significant pain,
enough to disrupt all pleasurable feelings,
stop and relax and agree to try again later and take it slower.
And of course – Yes,
you can get STDs your first time. Yes, a girl can get pregnant the first time.
And if either one of you is unable to directly say “Yes, I want this.”, Stop.
Otherwise, enjoy this part of your evolving relationship with your sexuality.