Conscious Sexual Self

Connection Requires Consciousness

Keep the Holidays Sexy!


You Can Fit Sex Into Your Holidays!

Yes, even you parents. I know it can be overwhelming this time of year, with even more social obligations and things on the to-do list. But it can also be a time of year when we can shake up the day to day and be creative about the way we spend our time. Still thinking, not me I am just too darn busy for my own pleasure? It’s all about prioritizing. Here are some ideas:

Single? Email the office HR coordinator and suggest that all the single folks bring another single date to the holiday party. OK, maybe this won’t result in sex that night, but it will at last increase the sexual energy and flirtation. I mean, how exciting is it to see the same people from the cubicle down the hall? Much more exciting to meet their single friend. And this year, include in your errands a trip to a good sex toy store, maybe online. There are some pretty amazing ways to treat yourself to some solo pleasure. Set a date with yourself for one of those long nights, and explore.

Are you a parent? Arrange to trade babysitting time with another family so that you parents can shop or run errands without the little ones. Any parent will be on board for this, since trying to run errands with the kids is ten times as hard. Then get your shopping done an hour or two early and use the time for a sensual date with your sweetie. Or heck, do all your shopping online and use the entire time for sex, who will know? Also, if you are getting a sitter for a holiday party consider getting a hotel room for the end of the night. You can leave the party early (believe me no one will remember a month from now), have some private time and still get home in time for the sitter. Grandparents, aunties and uncles in town? Give them some one on one time with the kids while you get one on one time with your sweetie. For you, asking other people to give you some time is key. And remember, you don’t have to tell anyone what you were doing while they watched the kids.

Family visits in the plans? Enjoy some frustration. No, I mean sexually, try playing with sexual limits and the pleasurable kind of frustration from sexual energy building. Pull your partner into the bathroom or a hidden corner in the yard and make out for a few minutes. Return flushed and happier. Practice quiet sex in your old childhood bedroom; stifle your moans and let your breath tell the story. It can be fun when you don’t have to do it all the time. These ideas feel too risky? No problem, keep a text conversation going in which you describe what you hope to do together when you get some privacy or whisper in each other’s ears now and then.

Get creative! You don’t need to let sex fade into the forgotten background of everything else you think you have to do. I promise you it is possible to carve out time for something good for you and good for your relationship. Added bonus, orgasms boost our immune system so you may just avoid the dreaded holiday cold. Good luck out there and keep it sexy!


Noisy Opinionated Ghosts

As I write this I am 2 weeks away from having a hysterectomy. I was going to write “my first” but that goes without saying; it is a once in a lifetime experience. This decision comes after 5 years of struggle with endometriosis. I have had a previous surgery, monthly hormone injections, and a huge gamut of alternative treatments chosen from states of stubbornness, desperation, and hope. I have read and researched. I feel very good about my decision to have a hysterectomy now. In fact, I am even looking forward to the new start it should give me healthwise.

And yet…there is this lingering shame. In writing my yearly holiday letter I found myself avoiding saying what kind of surgery I am having, something I would not do if I were having back, knee, heart surgery or if they were removing my appendix. I hesitate to tell people. Since I am therapy minded and not embarrassed about body parts in general, I have been curious. What is this shame about?

There are the ghosts of the medical establishment past in my head. Old messages, from generations back (although still lingering around the world no doubt), saying horrid things about “female troubles” and the weakness of the female mind and body. The idea that somehow I am unable to handle the potency of the female body, that the female organs themselves are sources of neurosis and weakness, are haunting me. This is surprising, since I rationally disagree with these old men who perpetrated crimes against women through the guise of healthcare back in the day. I rationally resist. I know better. I probably initially read these ideas in a state of indignant, feminist rage, critically minded, thinking of the words as a piece of history. But they got in my head.

And then I realize, there are ghosts whispering from the other side of the aisle too, although these ghosts are a bit more fleshy and contemporary. These are the ghosts of feminist theory past that tell me that women have just been pawns in the patriarchal rush to remove our female organs, as though this can remove our female power. That the uterus is a sacred part of who we are and should be preserved like some internal icon. They shame me too and make me doubt that I know what is best for me. Even as I am encouraged to be empowered, they whisper, “Are you just another woman giving in, giving up a piece of themselves?”

So I am writing this now because I know I am not the only one haunted by these extremes. I know I am not the only one who feels like everyone has a say about how I should care for my body. And I am not the only one who has been taught that her body defines who she is. No more. Not for me. I am a grown up, wise women, who has a unique body with unique needs. I know what is best for me. I know who I am. And that is what I have to remind myself as I stand in the face of so many invitations to doubt my own mind and to feel like my body belongs to a larger cultural conversation that doesn’t regard the individual that I am.

So if you relate, even a little, for reasons of your own, feel me joining you in solidarity. It is important to acknowledge how insidious these old messages can be, even when we have consciously rejected them. It is an ongoing process to ignore their whispers in our heads. We can get rid of the ghosts if we trust ourselves. We can do more if we trust and encourage each other to make our own choices. Wish me luck!