When people think of “having sex” they tend to focus on the
hot and heavy, rubbing bodies against one another part of it. But really, there
are many aspects of a sexual encounter, most of them overlooked and
underappreciated. Sex does not being when we are naked with someone we like. In
real life we don’t fast forward to the climax, nor should we. We miss out on a
lot if we think this way. We need to rethink the sexual encounter, giving it a
new starting point and a new finish that can really encompass the greater
possibility and the role we play in it.
Phase One – Creating Space
to be sexual. Yes, in real life we have to actually make choice to include
sex in our daily life. So this phase includes the necessity of actually carving
out time in a schedule. Certainly easier to do in that 6 hour break between
classes when you were in college, but don’t be discouraged. I have said it
before and I will say it again, scheduling sex can be very hot, if you engage
your mind in anticipation and enthusiasm. Because creating space to be sexual
is about more than timing. It also means making space in your mind for
sexuality and sensuality, thinking about what you desire and listening to the
voice of your sensate body as it finds things to pleasure in. It includes day
dreaming about a partner or partners, grooming yourself with the intention to
seduce, and possibly preparing for a sexy experience by purchasing a toy or
even putting clean sheets on the bed. There are lots of ways to create space.
What is important is to honor that you have a part to play in this, sex doesn’t
just happen.
Phase Two – Becoming
an Embodied Self Again. Maybe some of you enlightened folks go around all
day long, aware of your body and mindful of each fluctuating sensation. But
most of us, have to consciously bring our attention to our body. We have to let
the rest of the day go, so that we can be present to pleasure. Finding ways to
refocus and stop thinking about the rude thing your boss did or the thing you forgot
when you went to the store today and have to remember tomorrow, is key. If you
skip this step, you are may feel a nagging disappointment, like you are missing
something, because you are – the actual experience of sex. Getting into your
body, into a body-mind that is awake to the senses and the intuitive movement
that is yours, is an important part of a sexual encounter.
Phase Three –
Engaging with Another. Sex with a partner requires that we enter into a
dance, both leading and following. We must listen to the cues of another body
as well as our own. We may choose to open ourselves up in ways that are
vulnerable or risky. This is a distinctly different way of being than the way
we spend most of our day. Some people find they need some time to verbally
connect and some need to use silence to shift gears from the conversations of
shared responsibilities and chores. Engaging with the other person starts with
initation of sex, which could have started days before with some smoking texts
or a whisper close to ones ear. It is an act of seduction, a drawing the other person
in as you allow yourself to be drawn in, a willingness to enter a trance of one
another, your attention right here with them, now.
Phase Four – Riding
the Waves. Ok, this is the part that most people think of when they think
of having sex. This is the part when the mind can go still while the body gets
very, very busy. And this is the part of efforting too, of pushing and
clutching and reaching new heights of sensation. Here is where we may feel out
of control or overwhelmed or exhilarated. We may feel deep emotions or a welcome
emptiness, cleared out, simply sensation. This may include orgasm or orgasms or
not. But mostly this phase includes being able to feel and respond, not planning
ahead but being willing to ride the waves as they come, and allowing yourself
to be moved.
Phase Five –
Returning. And then things settle down, we return to our minds, our rooms,
our awareness of the rest of the world. But for a period of time there is a
need to transition. For some this involves a heavy sleepiness, a rest after
intensity. For some, a desire to keep the body contact and to allow emotional
ripples to play out gently. For some it may be processing what just happened, building
connection through sharing with words and questions and possibly insights. For
some a withdrawal into self, to reaffirm the boundaries of our being. But we
all take some time to return, to close that particular sexual encounter in some
way. This phase is just as important as the others and can be just as rich and
satisfying.
I invite you to honor all of these phases and to take
responsibility for them. Your sexual encounters are vaster than you have been
led to believe from the way we talk about “sex”. Redefine your start to finish
and you will find there is so much more to explore.