It has not always been pleasure, has it?
There are times when pain has been the ruler. Many days of discomfort and a fair amount of feeling basically numb. I know how important it is to honor that too. I have tried to learn the lessons there, trying so hard to stay curious even while I am afraid of getting lost in the oppression of pain or illness.
But I have discovered something amazing though this life! You actually always offer pleasure to me - if I can sense the subtlety of the invitation.
I am thinking about in the hours after surgery, those cool blueberries my love fed me in my hospital bed, the incredible bursts of tart crunch – an invitation to be here in the moment, alive with my senses. I am thinking about staggering in the shock of grief, coming to my now dead father’s home and seeing the deer on the hillside, how my body mirrored their stillness, my breath steadied, and I felt a gentleness enter me.
I am thinking about the rocking vibration of an orgasm, building and shaking something loose in me on those days when I have felt trapped or stuck. I am thinking of rising from my knees, tears still on my face, to meet the lightness of the next dance. I am thinking of the deep stretch of sore muscles and the warmth of tea and the pressure of my partner’s lips and letting a gathering of hair curl around my fingers. Yes, I am even thinking of the slippery touch of dish soap and dish that is available to me as I do chores.
You have never forsaken me pleasure, even in my most difficult moments. This ever-present gift, the amazing capacity you have to delight in the senses, may I always remember to open to it and let it heal me.
With deep gratitude, your human